Autocar's Day Out: M-ployees of the month

Company off-sites are designed to take employees away from the chaos and stress of everyday work for a few moments of relaxation. At Autocar India, things are a bit different. No cocktails by the pool or playing Housie before dinner. Instead, what we got were six BMW M cars (four M4s and two M2s) and a deserted concrete ground thanks to our friends at Raymond Realty. The day brought pouring rain, wet socks and no breakfast. Sounds like punishment, but not to us.

The objective was simple: pick a car, do your best in the three challenges and earn bragging rights for the rest of the year.

We rarely get to compete against each other, and with equal machinery, there could be no excuses. This was going to be intense.

Challenge 1: The Slalom Switch

Partners picked by (un)lucky draw from a bag of M&M’s as colourful as our Ms, each pair then picks a BMW and makes their way through the cones to the other side. Switch drivers and race back through the cones, then stop within the start box. Hit a cone or fail to stop within the box and you earn a penalty.

Gavin and Ameya chose an M2 for its compact size. However, the drivers’ wildly different body sizes would play spoilsport here, as finding a seat position that suited both was an issue. A clean run with decent athleticism resulted in a time of 35.93sec.

Soham and Sergius followed in the other M2, with a bit of wheelspin off the line. A rapid driver change, thanks to their slender builds, meant a quick 34.36sec. The time to beat.

Lenny and I went against conventional wisdom and picked the bigger, more powerful M4 over the compact and nimble M2. It might be heavier, but we wanted the power advantage for off-the-line speed, given that each run had, in reality, two launches. We went through the cones super-quick, but we bungled the driver swap, nearly running into each other, and with Soham slamming the door shut and me spending precious seconds opening it, the time, then, was simply thrown away and, well, not worthy of printing. 

The chaos subsided as Hormazd arrived with Renuka. Ready to prove that experience counts more than anything else, they put in an honest effort with the M4, which was commendable. But on the way back, Renuka clipped a few cones, which added big chunks to their time. 

Self-proclaimed racers Saumil and Rahul were confident as they snuck into the fuchsia M4, certain they could put down the power best. A clean run and swap, but a controversial on-the-line stop caused a ruckus. Penalty given; the time was 36.23sec.

Next, Shapur and Nikhil. Power over light weight here, as the pair went for another 530hp M4. The speed gained at launch was soon lost at the driver swap – they both literally ran into each other – and for good measure, hit a cone on the way back, resulting in a penalty and a time of 42.24sec. A new low.

In the end, seeing how incompetent we were at working together, we abandoned teamwork and did the runs by ourselves and agreed the following challenges should be run solo. 

Challenge 2: The Free Kick

Hop into an M2, line up behind the large inflatable football and race to the finish line, ensuring the ball goes past the flag poles. The fastest to score a goal wins. The M2 was the car of choice, thanks to its upright front-end, which would be a safe bet for pushing a giant football.

With the pressure of being from football-crazy Goa, Sergius had his work cut out. But he did Goans proud, guiding the ball with swift, deft steering corrections, and in 9.9sec, we had our first goal and the time to beat.
A run-up-style start with a hard launch turned out to be the fastest way, though, as Rahul scored the goal in just over seven seconds. Talk about choosing the wrong career.

A Zidane-style Panenka was Ameya’s strategy as the ball flicked up with none of Zidane’s flair. A poor 16.64sec, but he managed to score. After watching the slow approach fail, Soham powered through the first half, only to lose the ball and have to reverse to get it in. Way off the times set so far.  With a smooth start, Gavin lost the ball towards the end and had to waste time getting around it, which took over 18 seconds. At least the goal counts.

Since the company had paid for the ball (and would also likely have to cover any damage to the car), Hormazd chose the slow-and-steady way. He eased the ball very slowly into the goal, but we cheered louder than we ever had. Appraisals are around the corner. An overly cautious approach, using 4 of the 460hp available, still resulted in Nikhil missing the ball and failing to get it through the posts. Second attempt made it through at a glacial pace.

With enough evidence of how to go about it, I had to choose between rough and smooth, and the former was more enticing. It looked dramatic as the ball flung high, but pushing it through the goal wasted time.

Finally, in an attempt to beat Rahul, using his style, Shapur hit the ball so far off that, by the time it bounced once, he had already reached ahead. He managed to get it in after much effort, but by his next attempt, the ball had deflated. Good riddance.

Challenge 3:The Drift King

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Engage ‘Drift Mode’ in the M4 and achieve the best possible score on the Drift Meter.

Before we got to sideways action, we stopped for some grub. As ridiculous as it sounded to have lunch right before drifting in circles, who can get between a bunch of car journos and brown bags of greasy food? After washing down carbs with sugar, we hopped into the M4s for the ultimate bragging rights. The M4 and M2 are both exceptionally playful, and it doesn’t take a lot to get them to break traction. However, the Drift Meter and the extra power of the M4 made it the default choice for drifting.

To begin with, we were all pretty rubbish, but the levels of traction control and the incredible steering feel meant it wasn’t long before everyone got meaningful slides in. Holding it and making circles was something only a few of us managed, with the Drift Meter further confusing us all. Still, the table alongside tells the story, and while it will start a new war in the office, it was surely worth it.

Off-sites like these might seem like another day at work, but if the point is to relax and rejuvenate, no beach resort will ever come close to smoking some tyres.