If I were transport minister

If I were transport minister

16th Apr 2015 4:33 pm

Health and safety measures from the transport minister of 'Banistan'.


 We live in increasingly 'protected' times. Hardly a day goes by without something being banned. Now, as most of you know and appreciate, these bans are put in place for your own 'protection'. Books, movies, documentaries, sex toys, mannequins wearing lingerie (no, this is real), 15-year-old diesel cars, beef, the lot. Now I admit this could be irritating if you take your freedom seriously, but just look at the raw power they wield. They can simply snap their fingers and ban things - amazing. What power! Being someone who worships power of all sorts, I find this appealing too. There are all sorts of things I'd love to ban and get rid of if, for example, I were transport minister.

 Let's see, where would I begin? How about underpowered light trucks that slow traffic down and spew a dense fog of pollutants - banned. They need to have more power and performance, and manufacturers need to step up and give them more capable engines. Next on the list - cars or trucks without antilock brakes or ABS; this technology is just too important to delete, and cars just have to have it. Up next, contractors who can't make even half decent roads, because they don't want to. If the quality of the road you've just made is sub-par, you are banned, as simple as that. Next in the line of fire, people who endanger the lives of others by double parking; if you are caught, you face a six-month ban. Six years if you triple park. All maximum speed limits will be increased progressively and minimum speed limits will be introduced. If you are caught below the speed limit on an open road without reason, you spend a day collecting donations for the RTO, dressed as a clown. All sporty versions of cars with at least 15 percent more power and better handling and brakes will get an excise cut. All sticker jobs and fake 'sport' versions - banned, enough of this 'sport' malarkey. These fakes hurt my sentiments!

There'll also be stringent norms introduced for braking and handling: you can't sell your car here unless you pass them. On the other hand, supercars above 500 horsepower will get duty cuts. Hypercars get a three-year tax holiday; the 'youth of our nation' need to see more of them on the streets. It affects gross national happiness. In addition, every local government has to organise at least five motorsport events a year for bikes, cars and go-karts. This is to prevent biker suicides committed by the likes of the 'ya ali' and 'jai bajrang bali' gangs. FMSCI and MAI are banned; they've been running the circus for too long. Electric cars get a five-year tax holiday and import duties are halved. I could go on and on; ahh, if only I were the transport minister of 'Banistan'.


Shapur Kotwal

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Deputy editor at Autocar India.

Shapur is at the forefront of the magazine's extensive road testing activities and oversees the test instrumentation and data acquisition. Shapur has possibly the most experience among all road testers in the country.

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